It's been a while since my last entry-that's partly due to laziness, and partly due to the fact that most of what I want to write about falls into that category of things that would come back to "bite me" in the future. This evening I was inspired though-inspired by the fact that I actually felt disappointed that the only person who joined my facebook group within its first hour of existence was my husband...and that's only because I got onto his account and joined him! This reminded me of a recurring theme I've felt lately-that I'm not being heard!
To give a little background- if you know me, you know I've been on a crusade against Congress and the fact that they have completely screwed up the entire student loan industry. I think about this little house in Kirkwood I want to buy, and if the interest rates were the way they used to be, I'd be painting the walls of my living room instead of writing a blog! For months I've worked to recruit supporters- after all, this impacts almost everyone! Every single person who has taken out some kind of graduate student loan in the last 4 years is paying anywhere from 4-8% higher rates than they should be paying! That can translate into hundreds of extra dollars a month! This is money that would then be used to buy goods, buy homes, buy services...you know, stimulate the economy. There are millions of us in this predicament! I've e mailed members of congress, advocacy groups, newspapers...I've even been the subject of an online newspaper article in the St. Louis Beacon! This is a huge issue...I mean couldn't you use an extra $100, or in my case $700 extra a month in spending money? Yet for some reason the people don't care! Nobody listens!
Last night my husband and I got into a discussion about potential tax increases, and I found myself shouting (not at him but to him) that I am a victim of believing in the American dream and it's all a sham! I believed that taking steps 1 + 2 + 3 would lead me to 6! Instead I'm at -10 right now! I was infuriated by the fact that members of Congress are out there with their high salaries, great health care, and spending $50,000 on expensive trips to Europe with my tax dollars (oh yeah I have that research- and sooooo much more). I only wish that one of them would have the decency to say "hey, I hear you on the student loan thing, but honestly you don't have enough money or power to make me vote another way...come back when you do and we'll talk." I wish that what I said mattered to my representative! I wish someone would send me an e mail that wasn't some "form letter" sent by some college intern!
I have numerous other situations in my life where it seems like nobody is listening-nobody gets what I'm saying! It's one of the most frustrating experiences in the world! It's incredibly invalidating. I'm actually a lot more sympathetic to people and their causes as a result-even if I whole-heartedly disagree! There is nothing worse than being made to feel stupid for something in which you strongly believe! Yeah yeah-nobody can make you feel stupid unless you let them! I get it, but there is something to be said for feeling like people don't think you're a joke...you know I'm right! But then again, realistically speaking, most people do care more about themselves than they do others! It's sort of like that concept of nobody thinks your kids are as cute as you do!
So why am I so frustrated by feeling invalidated and unheard? There are several possible reasons. Right now I'm leaning toward the "I'm right and everyone would just be better off if they listened to me" reason! Even if that's accurate, I'm pretty sure that isn't a good reason! I think the reason I'm so frustrated is because I feel like I'm on the side of justice! That may sound like I'm saying I'm right, but that's not what I mean. I'm completely obsessed with justice and fairness! I'm often physically pained by the lack of it in our society! When I see that something could be done better, my instinct is to fight for it- not sit in the shadows and let others fight the battle for me! I get inspired to fight for the underdog-for the people who lack the confidence to speak for themselves, but I hit this brick wall of apathy or simply an unwillingness to listen!
I try to press on convincing myself that God must be sharpening me for some mission, yet now I'm starting to think that might not be the case! I could be destined for a life of frustration, after all, my success depends on people! Can I count on people becoming less apathetic? Can I count on Washington insiders to decide some random person from St. Louis is worth listening to? Can I count on people to always act with integrity? If I spend my life waiting for that to happen I'm afraid I'll always be disappointed! But what's the alternative? Should I become apathetic? Should I take on an attitude of "what's the point-nobody's going to listen to me anyway," basically, should I just start feeling sorry for myself and quit?
If I feel like I'm not successful at what I thought I was "destined" to do though, perhaps it's indicative of a larger problem. Maybe I think God isn't hearing me! Ok, not maybe, I actually think God isn't listening to me! Isn't He supposed to help me fulfill my calling? Well I suppose I have to face the fact that 3% interest rates may not be part of His greater purpose, or maybe an easier process for attorney reciprocity isn't at the top of His "to-do" list. Well that just puts a big damper on my plans...and more importantly on my comfort! So now this is about MY plans and MY comfort...hmmm...interesting! First I'm an advocate for the underdog, and now I'm ticked that God isn't making my life more comfortable, or letting me do what I want to do! This is supposed to be the part of blogging where I have some spiritual awakening and remain committed to my causes knowing that even if they don't work out the way I want them to work out-it's working out for God's purpose which is more important! Oh if only I were that spiritually mature!
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